That last post was made partly out of a fight I had with someone over the subject and partly because I wanted something to bitch about. [Camp Nowhere] This is my goddamn blog and I'll say any goddamn thing I want to. [/Camp Nowhere]
You know how you sometimes analyze your life and all the terrible choices you made along the way for about 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon? It's been one of those days.
Fuck my whole life, let's just look at the past week. Actually, let's look at the span of time between May of 2005 and right now. Eating, sleeping, internet, and then waking up to go to school. That's basically about as productive as my days have gotten. And sometimes I don't even make it to school.
Not sure why I've fallen into such a lifestyle, but it's gotten unusually comfy. A little too comfy.
So, what exactly happened in May of 2005? My sophomore year of high school came to a close and I lost the first real love of my life forever. The things a girl can do to a boy's mind, very peculiar it is.
I've never been particularly adventurous when it came to the opposite sex. Sure, I've had female fans before, but I've never done anything about it. I never make the first move, so to say. Most of my friends would probably tell you that I prefer a night out with my bhoys rather than a girl.
And that's true. For most girls. Not for this girl.
The guy who makes fun of the friend with relationship responsibilities - that was my role. High school drama and politics didn't affect me. Kids my age are dumb, they don't know how they really feel about these people they call their boyfriends/girlfriends.
That was pretty much how I used to think. Why get involved at all? I was happy with betting, drinking, and rugby. Until August of 2005, first day of school, right after lunch. Art class. Senior girl. Beautiful, smart, and popular. The SFOC (Super Fox of the Century), if you will.
Long story short, we sat together, started talking, got to know eachother, and I realized that I got unusually anxious whenever I thought about her. I was always looking forward to tomorrow. Everything just seemed a little bit brighter. Time just seemed to drag on and on when I was waiting to see her and flew by in an instant when I was with her.
As proud, as emotionless as I was, even then I had to admit: I was in love with her. Unfortunately, like all good things, it came to end. It was strange, in a way. I knew that she was graduating after that year and that I would probably never see her again, but I let myself get so attached to her anyway.
Isn't that dumb? Why did I give myself up like that? Even I'm having trouble understanding it. But like I said: I make a lot of bad decisions. And that's pretty much how things went. I haven't seen her since. Sure, I have my days were I try to pretend like I never met her. Sure, I have my days were I look back at those days with fond memories. But there's always that part of my day where I think about her at least once. And missing those feelings I had. And wishing I could feel that way again. And hoping that my life would shine again like it did back then.
I guess this is my rational side? Or is it my ambitious side? I have no idea, but it's a very motivating feeling. And I think it's time I acted on it.
I know I'll probably regret this. But this is my last year of high school, my last year of not having any responsibilities. My last year of my compulsory education. Time to go out with a bang